


It feels like yesterday (was a year ago)

by iownthecreativewrites



Category: Original Work
Genre: Anxiety, Introspection, Mental Health Issues, depressive tendencies, i guess?
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-07
Updated: 2020-04-07
Packaged: 2021-03-02 02:54:30
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 583
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23527987
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/iownthecreativewrites/pseuds/iownthecreativewrites
Summary: School holidays are never great in terms of me not being able  see my friends.Forced self isolation & social distancing has made it worseORI had a really bad morning and a borderline panic attack, so I write this to feel better.
Kudos: 1





	It feels like yesterday (was a year ago)

**Author's Note:**

> I don't believe that I have any mental health issues. However, that does not mean that I don't occasionally struggle. This is an example of one time when I was.
> 
> Warnings for feelings of hopelessness, and mentions of what might be able to be interpreted as dissociation
> 
> Title is from "everything i wanted" by Billie Eilish

I’m going to that weird place again  
The one where it’s muted and funny and fuzzy and I don’t like it. 

The one where tastes don’t taste right  
And feelings don’t feel right  
And nothing feels real but everything feels too much. 

The one where it’s always overwhelming  
And far too underwhelming  
And it’s a struggle to talk to others. 

The one where I never know what to say  
So I always stay quiet  
So I always talk too much  
So I always say the wrong thing. 

The one where I can always feel food at the back of my throat  
Oil in my mouth  
I can’t get the taste out  
I want to throw up. 

The one where my attention span’s shit  
Where I can’t watch a movie without asking “how much longer”  
Where I can’t read a book without seeing how many pages in the chapter  
Where I can’t read a long post on Instagram  
Where I can barely make my bed. 

The place where I’m always angry  
At my “friends”  
At the world  
At myself. 

The place where I’m always sad  
Because of my “friends”  
Because of the world  
Because of myself. 

The place where I swing from happy to sad  
Peaceful to mad  
Content to raring for a fight. 

The place where I’m awake while asleep  
And asleep while awake. 

The place where I can’t sleep  
But I’m always tired  
Where I’m never hungry  
But I have to eat  
Where I don’t want to listen to music  
But want background noise. 

I’m going to the weird place where thoughts go dark  
And sweet turns sour  
And I don’t feel happy or sad or anything at all really. 

I’m going to the weird place where all the music I have isn’t good enough  
So what’s the point of listening  
And it feels like everyone’s ignoring me  
So what’s the point of speaking?

The weird place where I’m only good as a punching bag  
Blame heaped on me  
Or a place to unload your feelings  
No regards for my own. 

The weird place where I’m pretty sure no one likes me  
But I know they love me  
But do they really?  
Yes  
No  
Yes  
No  
YES  
no  
Yes?

The weird place where I’m pretty sure I’m the worst person on earth  
But I haven’t done anything wrong and I _know that_. 

The weird place where being on social media makes everything worse  
But everything better  
And learning feels impossible  
But like the only thing I want to do  
And I’m not bored  
But I’m not interested  
And I want to listen  
But I can’t hear properly  
And I want to watch  
But I can’t focus  
And I want to read  
But I can’t see properly  
And everything is overwhelming  
But everything is underwhelming

And I’m in a weird place  
Where thoughts spiral down  
Where everything’s weird  
And numb  
And blank  
And I don’t like it here. 

I left this place in last year but I didn’t  
And now I’m back  
And I don’t want to be  
Because I’m _happy_  
But I don’t get a choice. 

I’m Alice in Wonderland  
Gravity dragging me down the rabbit hole  
And I can’t choose to leave  
Until I meet some standard  
But I don’t know what it is  
And so I’m just. 

In a weird place  
Where everything’s blank  
And I feel too much and not enough  
And emotions feel like a dream  
And I don’t like it

But I guess I have to stay.

**Author's Note:**

> I'm truly sorry if this piece has upset anyone, or caused them stress. This pandemic is hard on everyone, some more than others. If you need someone to talk to, my DMs both here an on Instagram are always open. Stay safe sheilas blokes and nonbinary folks, I love you all <3


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